Every time...
I woke up this morning and decided to clean my room right? I found a letter that my little 11 year old sister wrote for me after I had run away. She basically told me that she would miss me and remember me as who I am forever and asked me to come back. She begged me not to forget her too.... that part tears me up because the last thing in the world that I want her to do, is think I forgot about her. But then by the end of the letter, I usually start hardcore crying because the last thing she says is that she wants me to remember that she would tuck me in every night and kiss my cheek before I close my eyes... I should be the one tucking HER in at night. That's what kills me. It's not that I'm worried about my parents treating them badly because, to be honest, I'm not. My parents treat my sisters a lot better than they treated me because they think I'm a trouble maker. What gets me upset, is that I have failed them as an older sister. I'm supposed to always be there for them, no matter what. I treat them almost like I would treat my own kids...
I'm usually the one who consoles them when they're upset. I would hold them when they were crying and cradle them and even sing or hum to them sometimes. Even at the risk of me getting in trouble. There were times that my parents would tell me to leave them alone because they needed to stop 'being a baby' but I would comfort them anyways. Because trust me, I know what it is like to not be comforted. It's lonely and it just makes you feel worse. Just having someone tell you that it is going to be okay makes you feel at least a little bit better because you know somebody actually gives a shit enough to try and help you feel better.
I would promise them that everything would be okay. My oldest sister came to me for advice... for help. I built them up and encouraged them. They looked up to me... and I failed them.
Now they cry at night because of me... because they miss me. And that bothers me enough to the point that sometimes I wish I could go back. I put up with all the bullshit for years to prevent them from being upset. That was the only reason I stayed as long as I did.
Anyways, the point of this is that a lot of people think the reason I get so upset about missing my sisters is because I think my parents will treat them badly. But it's not. The reason is that I should be there for them and I'm not.